"He's cheating on you! He's still cheating on you!"

My friends and I are at that age where things are starting to slow down. The parties are ending earlier, the girls are not going as wild, and most of my foods have to be liquefied before I am able to take them in. Dinner parties have replaced house parties, spooning has replaced forking, and wives and babies have replaced Internet porn and condoms. What a sad tale. I actually have this friend who refused to go out last weekend because he was working on replacing his toilet. His excuse was that he was "too involved to turn back now." This man has a wife and baby, mortgage payment, government job, and receding hairline. His life is over. You would think that an invite to go out for a few hours would be jumped on like Jessica Alba at a frat party, but he just could not step away from replacing his downstairs toilet. Amazing.
Nothing makes you feel old and restless like watching your friends surpass you. The same people that were dropping acid on top of the Empire State Building, and banging Vietnamese hookers are now building airplanes, and teaching monkey's how to write in cursive. Jesus. And here I am. Writing in this stupid thing, pretending to work at my crappy job, and just waiting for 4:00 to come so that I can go home and take a nap. It's Friday, ladies and gentlemen, it's Friday. I should be headed to the nearest bar immediately after work. I should be taking shots of Patron, and telling strangers about the time that I saved a baby from the rabid jaws of a cheetah. Goddammit! I should really be out telling that story. Now when my friends and I do go out, all we talk about is how awesome we USED to be. There is never any talk of what we are doing now, because what we are doing now is boring. We're getting old and responsible. Fat and ugly. Gray haired and dead eyed. No one wants to hear about how I sat at school all day, looking at pictures of dinosaurs, and eating bananas. I don't want to hear about their day of house hunting, and hand holding. Spare me/us.
I think back to a few years ago, and the unbelievable things that my friends and I were able to get away with. From touring around the country to running naked through a living room wall. I look at all of us now, andI have a hard time remembering those kids that we used to be. I don't necessarily know if that is a bad thing, but it is definitely sad. The aging process is inevitable. No matter how hard you kick and scream, and try to sell your soul to the devil, you're still going to get old and ugly. I know that there is a part inside of all of us that want to still be those guys at the parties who are the last ones to leave, and still look cool as fuck even if that slutty girl in the corner wont blow you. But I'm also glad that we aren't the guys who still try and act on it. Nothing is more pathetic than watching old guys play dress up. This is the same reason that I do not constantly go around advertising my past endeavours. No one gives a shit about the person you used to be, or the things that you have done. I don't want to be the guy that walks around offering up information. "Hey, dude. I used to be in this killer band, and we would play shows all the time, and go on tour, and shoot up heroin, and bang strippers on the back of snowmobiles." That shit is lame. No one cares, and you look like a total dickhead. The people that do that are pathetic. Look at fucking Motley Crue! Look at that ass hat from Poison. There is a reason that people evolve and grow up; the reason is to avoid looking like those clowns. No matter how great things are, you eventually have to let them go. When its over and dead, leave it alone.
As much as I miss those times, and the younger, much more attractive people we used to be, I am glad that almost all of us are still friends. So waddya say we lay down the wives, babies, painkillers, needles, Asian feces porn, and paint the town red until about 9:30 p.m.?